I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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