I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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