i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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