Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
