i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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