he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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