My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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