God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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