I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
