just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
