she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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