toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
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