Will you blow on my dice?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
