And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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