it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
