Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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