Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
