I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
