I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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