3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
im holly from the hills drunk
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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