Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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