I faked an abortion last night.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You're like the curious george of whores
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
