she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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