There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
