Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
