Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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