So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude i'm inner monologue high
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
