when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
