Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
