theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
