so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
