My cat gives me a boner
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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