Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
