Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
