i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
