Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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