Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
