I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
