Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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