You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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