I faked an abortion last night.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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