Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Let's get the cat blown out
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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