I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
