Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
