just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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