If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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