I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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