tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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