Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
worst night to have a conscience
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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