I'd wear matching sweaters with you
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
