I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
