Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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