im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
