Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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