If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
