my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
