Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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