She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
