Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
